Jack Benny Quotes on Jack benny

19 quotes

  1. A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

  2. My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

  3. When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it [1]

  4. When they laugh at one of my jokes... it just gets me right here. [Places his hand on his heart]

  5. Don Wilson: I don't think you know how much it means to me to do the commercial. After all I'm not a funny man. I can't sing or dance. I don't lead a band. What are you paying me for?

  6. Jack: When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.

  7. Perry Mason: Maybe my writers are better than yours.

  8. Rochester: It would've been hard to rhyme a dollar ninety-eight.

  9. Rochester: Well, it went down two points this last year.

  10. Jack: I know, but peanut butter?

  11. Jack: Smell?... What do I want with smelling salts?

  12. Bob Hope: [finding some coins tied with string in Jack's trousers] When you ask this kid for a loan, and he says his money is tied up, he isn't kidding. This is an obstacle course for pickpockets.

  13. Bob: Welcome to the Lucky Strike Program. In just a few minutes, you'll see our star, Gypsy Rose Benny.

  14. Bob Hope: Why do you want Jack's pants?

  15. Jack: [pointing a pistol at Bob's trousers] I'm going to blow your brains out.

  16. Jack Benny really liked my book. I know because he called me up from the library and told me. ~ Bob Hope

  17. One night I was walking in my sleep and Mr. Benny put a vacuum cleaner in my hand. ~ Eddie Anderson (Rochestor)

  18. He is so anemic that if he stays out at night, he has to get a transfusion so his eyes will be bloodshot in the morning. ~ Fred Allen

  19. There was one especially memorable moment . . . when Jack began a very difficult passage from Mendelssohn's Concerto, everyone in the orchestra turned and looked at Jack in wonder and amazement . . . they were playing Beethoven's Fifth at the time! ~ Zubin Mehta

All Jack Benny quotes