At my church that's what they say, 'Today, we offer our condolences to the Berger family; they rolled a three. Its very sad and tr-tragic, but that's what happens when you don't wear a seatbelt.'

I'm also suing for emotional kidnapping because when she yelled, 'Get the g-d car out of there', it kidnapped my son's good feeling for me and replace it with …

(On kids' Halloween police costumes) Its dark. Its night. You see lights. They bounce off the badge. You think its for real. They wear the hat that looks just …

The Altadena Dairy Corporation of America needs to make it known that they're making a sharp Vermont chedder than makes people bleed from the butt and think th…

Excuse my dust.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

I heard say that the executioner was very good, he'd have to be, for I have a little neck!