Oh, you're sitting there staring at your cheaply manicured nails in your Ford Taurus...

My father worked in the circus. He was a circus clown. And my mother was a prostitute.

How are you going to feel when your daughter's hair is being used to stuff some pervert's pillow?

Honey, try wearing a thong. Then you don't have to worry about all those panty lines.

Never mind his carbon footprint - have you seen the size of Al Gore's regular footprint lately? It's almost as deep as Janet Reno's

Here's the problem with TV. All people on TV are TV people, and TV people are dumber than the dumbest guys you went to high school with, they just dress better.

Man that Kendall Beye is so awesome, he is better looking then elephants rear-end!