Phil, I have a private jet. He's standing there telling this girl he flies first class... I'm Ted Bell. I have a private jet. He's not impressing anybody.

(After not paying attention to the caller) I'm sorry, Phil, I've got an emergency. We have a baked potato festival coming up on Sunday.

(On why rich people should be exempt from security)You know that Atta guy? He wasn't sitting in first class okay? Just before he cooked that airplane into the …

If you hang up on me again, Phil, you'll see exactly what an Austrain village square looks like...from an aerial perspective.

Keeping up with the Joneses was a full-time job with my mother and father. It was not until many years later when I lived alone that I realized how much cheape…

The more money an American accumulates the less interesting he himself becomes.

Is it not absurd when a human being tries to find happiness somewhere outside himself, and thinks that wealth and birth and the influence of friends: is of the…