I called them, three or four people, and I said, 'It's very easy for a publication to print whatever they want to print as a representation of me, but it's not me. If you would allow me just a moment to represent myself ... if you still feel like I'm a shithead or a schmuck afterwards, then fine. But at least hear me out.' These were heavy, right-wing, military people: one was a cop ... one had a nephew who'd been wounded in Iraq. I told them, 'What was printed was ugly, but this is what I meant...' And each one of them said, 'I understand.' [response to hate mail and calls he received following the Stern article] (2004)

I would never insult the American people. I used the metaphor of a puppy dog, but I never said ignorant puppy dog. I said it's a very young country compared to…

I thought it was funny - I had to go to jail for assaulting a picture frame or a lamp! (1995)

I essentially said the United States is a very young country compared with Europe. We're still growing. That's it. I wouldn't say anything anti-American. I'm a…

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost what it feels about dogs.

'I have no problems with comment that is meant to criticize or scrutinize. I respond only because there has been exaggeration, misrepresentation, and descripti…

In many ways I still resent the wretched yellow journalism that was clearly evident in (the media's) treatment of the game - 60 Minutes in particular. I've nev…