I've tried it with men and women and boys and girls, in the dark and in the desert sun, with people I cared for and people I didn't give a damn about, and I have never understood the pleasure in it. The best it's ever been for me is not uncomfortable.

I wanted to understand.

'God is an iron,' I said. 'Did you know that?' I turned to look at her and she was staring. She laughed experimentally, stopped when I failed to join in. 'And …

I was putting together a picture of a life that would have depressed anyone with the sensitivity of a rhino. Back when I had first seen her, when her features …