david letterman Quotes
David Letterman QuotesBirth Date: 1947-04-12 (Saturday, April 12th, 1947)
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david letterman life timeline
|Johnny Carson makes last television appearance on The David Letterman Show.||Friday, May 13th, 1994|
- Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.
- What is this, Vassar?!
- In My Pants!
- I may not be smart enough to debate you point-for-point on this, but I have the feeling about 60% of what you say is crap.
- On National Security Agency's eavesdropping program: Now all of us can talk to the NSA - just by dialing any number.
- Are you cooking beans? What time is it? Is Zorro on?
- CBS, we're not even trying.
- Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.
- Do I think there is a heaven? Uhhh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.
- Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
- For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.
- George Bush: WHAT?...WHAT?...WHAT?
- Hang on to your wigs and keys.
- Hello. I'm David Letterman and I'm not wearing any pants.
- Hey, uh...ya got any gum? (Norm MacDonald playing Letterman on SNL)
- I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host?
- I need 4 hot dogs with everything, one plain.
- I wouldn't give his troubles to a monkey on a rock.
- I'm not paranoid. I'm not a dope. I'm not like a lot of these... paranoid dopes.
- I'm not the kind of man that likes to blow his own horn, although if I could I would.
- It's cold enough to hang meat in here!
- New York, New York. The town so nice they named it twice.
- Now playing in selected cities-and I pray to God your city is selected.
- On the drums, Juan Manuel Fandango!
- President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.
- President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
- Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
- There is no Chinese word for 'Fun Fur'.
- There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
- This is Stupid Pet Tricks... and remember this is an exhibition not a competition so please, no wagering.
- Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
- US forces think they know the location of Saddam Hussein's sons...Uday, Qusay and Gary.
- Wash it. Gas it. Give me the keys.
- We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is, Iraq is ours, and the bad news is, Iraq is ours.
- We're the only thing on CBS right now.
- Where the hell are the singin' Cats?
- (Before Green Day was about to play) Their drummer is a very troubled young man, watch him.
- Will you be there when the big door swings open?
- Would you like a slurpee?
- Wouldn't it be nice if you download what your car alarm sounds, like a ring-tone?
- You Damn Kids! Get out of my yard!
- You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il.
- (Before Green Day) Whenever our next guests are on the show, we hope and pray that they don't break anything.
- (talking to the drummer of Green Day after he jumped off the drum platform and landed on the floor] Oh my god wow, are you gonna be ok son?
- Letterman, after the singer brands him a 'sick fuck': 'You realize this is being broadcast don't you?'
- Madonna: 'Listen, all you do is talk about my sex life on your show, so now you don't want to talk about my sex life when I'm on your show?!'
- Letterman: 'I want to thank you folks for coming out for this run-through show. Thank you very much. This, of course, will never see the light of day. You won't miss a thing tonight.'
- Letterman: 'Oh, stop it! Will you stop? Ladies and gentlemen, turn down your volume. Turn down the volume immediately! She can't be stopped! There's something wrong with her!'
- Letterman, during the next show's monologue: 'Do you know what I've realized? I think Madonna likes to shock people.'
- Madonna: 'You're not funny anymore, you're just a suck-up to all the guests.' Letterman: 'I can suspend that behavior tonight, if you like.'
- I don't think there's a man, woman or child alive who doesn't enjoy a lovely beverage.
- I just love autumn in New York - watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
- It's tax time once again, and the hookers in Times Square - god bless 'em - they're getting into the act. For an extra $50, they'll handle your extension.
- It's the Chinese 'Year of the Pig' - I'm still writing 'Year of the Monkey' on all my checks.
- Pleased to meet you...meat to please you.
- That's the sound of commercials hitting the floor.
- There is no 'off' position on the genius switch.
- PlayStation 3 was released today, at least there's some good news for George Bush.
- Kalter: Hi, I'm Alan Kalter, TV's Uncle Jerry.
- Will you be there when the big door swings open?
- It was so hot today that Larry King was seen only wearing suspenders. Wonder what he was holding up.
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