(On the Australian National Anthem): It's just not the most inspiring anthem in the world is it? I mean, the words are alright: 'Australians all let us rejoice, for we are young and free', except for that last line 'our home is girt by sea.' 'Cos 'girt' means surrounded. How many of you have ever used the word 'girt' in a sentence in your life? Seriously, you never see a policeman and 4 police cars outside your house saying : 'Come out of there with your hands up, we have you girt.'

I've realised now that I am so gay. I love everything gay men love, except the whole ya'know, sex with men thing. I mean all the good stuffs gone, Abba: GAY, W…

(On the BBC TV show Mock the Week the panel talk about Adam's fake leg): Yeah, i was going through customs, just a few days after the September 11th attacks so…

On the Aussie Weakest Link it's not 'You are the weakest link, goodbye', it's more 'You are the weakest link...See ya later.' 'Cos from what I can tell, it sum…

She taught us Hygiene. And you know what that meant: s-x, pr-cr-ation and p-r--ds.

One sometimes gets the impression that those intimidating words are there to keep us from understanding. That way, the scholars can appear Superior, and will n…

As this poem is to some extent connected with the lay of the Jabberwock, let me take this opportunity of answering a question that has often been asked me, how…