Quote #13

'Two languages in one head? No one can live at that speed! Good Lord man, you're asking the impossible!' 'But, the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana!' 'Well : yes, but they're cheating! Everyone knows that marijuana is a drug enhancement that helps you on track and field to come last in a team of eight million : eight million other runners who are all dead.'

More from Eddie Izzard

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  3. 'That's one saved fucking queen! It shouldn't be 'God save the queen,' it should be 'God attack the queen!' 'God attack the queen/Send big …
  4. I'm an executive transvestite.
  5. 'Yes, I like my coffee hot and strong : Like I like my women: hot and ..strong : with a spoon in them.'
  6. If women fall over wearing heels, that's embarrassing; but if a bloke falls over wearing heels, then you have to kill yourself! End of your…
  7. 'Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I did an original sin. I poked a badger with a spoon.' 'Say five Hail Mary's and six Hello Dolly's!'
  8. Yes, no smoking in bars now, and soon there'll be, no drinking and no talking! Be careful, California, you're supposed to be the crazy stat…

All Eddie Izzard quotes