Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our hardnesses yield, all our irritations and resentments flit away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

[Citing a familiar 'American joke':] In Boston they ask, How much does he know? In New York, How much is he worth? In Philadelphia, Who were his parents?

I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, …

A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape.

When they laugh at one of my jokes... it just gets me right here. [Places his hand on his heart]

Family quarrels are bitter things. They don't go according to any rules. They are not like aches or wounds; they are more like splits in the skin that won't he…

How can there be peace on earth when there's war in love?