I knew I was destined for London, so I came to live with my nan in her council flat. It was the summer after my A-levels. Got a job in Willesden cemetery. I was getting a man's wage, filling in bumholes. Stood around while they did the last rites. Cut the grass. A lot of the time I'd just sit on the gravestones and read and write. Scribbling away.

I fall in love with Britain every day, with bridges, buses, blue skies... but it's a brutal world, man.

I mean you look in the paper and you see the bodies of mutilated people, and that's sexy. Controversy isn't saying something like 'Oh I've fucked Noel Gallaghe…

I got headbutted in Wolverhampton. You [Carl] get snogged in Northampton, head butted in Wolverhampton and I won't even tell you what happened in Southampton. …

I rail against writers who talk about the loneliness of it all - what do they want, a crowd looking over their typewriters? Or those who talk about having to s…

I write to discover what I think. After all, the bars aren't open that early.

If you ever want to find out just how uninteresting you really are, get a job where the quality and frequency of your thoughts determine your livelihood. I've …