- At 13 you whack off 19 times a day anyway. Imagine being on a Viagra and like a liter of Mountain Dew and home alone with the VCR on a snow day from school. His mom would come home from work and open the front door and a big avalanche of semen would come out and wash her down the street.
- I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.
- I'd show up at raves at like 3 in the morning and just be like garbage man. I'd be straight as an arrow and everyone else would be passed out, and I'd scrape up what was left and have sex with it.
- My brain and ass should be in the Smithsonian after I die, or even before I die.
- I spoke to my dad and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me, but that was me and my sister and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.
- The greatest part about Playboy is the playmates' turn-ons and turn-offs. The turn-offs are always stuff like 'mean guys,' or maybe 'smokers.' But the turn-ons are always vague. They don't come right out and say 'nine-inch penis,' 'Bentley,' and 'owns a hotel or two.' Instead, they say stuff like 'good sense of humor' or 'likes music and walks on the beach.' Meanwhile, some guy who works on a loading dock thinks, 'I like the beach, I'm funny, and I love that music! We were made for each other!' Then he renews his subscription.
- The only chance we have for survival, as a country and as a planet, is if idiots stop having kids. Listen: either don't screw up your kids, or don't have any! It's a lot like owning a horse: If you can't keep it in a stall, feed it some hay, and brush it down once in a while, then don't have one! Do you see what I mean? Just don't have one and let it rot in the yard!
- When I'm at the porn store--I'm not there all the time, maybe about five hours a day--I'm walking through the sections, making my way, making my way--and then I get to the gay section. And it always takes a second to process, because it all just looks like a ball of flesh, and everything's kind of shiny, you know? So I'm like, 'Huh? Hey, that chick's got a mustache...Awwww!'
- I believe that at least 65-80% of auto glass breakage is caused from domestic disputes. Your car is like a piece of you that you leave out in your driveway unguarded. It's almost like you left one of your ass cheeks out in your driveway for someone to kick, spit on, urinate on, or break while you were somewhere else. In every young-person breakup dispute, the car always suffers the most.
- I can understand stupid guys not understanding politics, but the penis? That is just a base piece of knowledge that every man should have. I don't give a crap if you don't know what's going on with the ozone, or the Clinton administration, or the Asian economy, but you gotta know the difference between the head of your penis and the foreskin of your penis. You just should!
- Here's the problem with TV. All people on TV are TV people, and TV people are dumber than the dumbest guys you went to high school with, they just dress better.
- I question not only those who are getting their penis pierced, but also those who are doing the piercing. I mean, this is what you're doing for a living? God, your parents have to be pissed.'
- The only logical, sort of scientific way to figure this out is: you've got to put the bible down on a coffee table, and then you have to put a pair of soiled panties down on the same coffee table on the other side, adjacent to the bible. Then you take your vibrator (or dildo) and you spin it around. Now, God will control the outcome of this experiment. If there is a God, he will make sure that the dildo points towards the bible, in which case you must stop masturbating, and simply destroy the dildo. This is just good science.
- When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the 'tardiest of the 'tards like the thick crust.
- Good friendship is like an outdoor cat. Just hangin' out. It can take care of itself. It can be gone for a couple of days, it'll come back, no big deal. . . Once in a while it'll get eaten by a coyote.
- From Penn Jillette's 09-Mar-2006 radio show:
- Loveline rant August 2002 from Celebrity Atheists website: