And now we have what some are reading as a suggestion that somebody knock off Osama... Obama. Well, both would look good. [laughs]

My opponent said that the people of Pennsylvania who faced hard times are bitter. Well, that's not my experience. As I travel around Pennsylvania, I meet peopl…

That boy's finger does not need to be on the button.

This isn't just some phenomenon of the Internet - to liken Barack Obama to the flash-in-the-pan Dean campaign does him a disservice. There is something happeni…

Don't go to parties with metal detectors. Sure, it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggers waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got one.

So why is it they allow a guy with big, powerful hands to get on board an airplane? I'll tell you why: they know he's not a security risk, because he's already…

This is The Tonight Show. I can't tell you too much about it, other than the fact that this program is going to go on forever.