Be amusing: never tell unkind stories; above all, never tell long ones.

A very remarkable people the Zulus: they defeat our generals, they convert our bishops, they have settled the fate of a great European dynasties.

Characters do not change. Opinions alter, but characters are only developed.

A sophistical rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own verbosity who can at all times command an interminable and inconsistent series of argument…

Did you hear that? I didn't hear anything. Put that question another way.

Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humour: he will always use it in evidence against you.

Congratulations, you have a sense of humor. And to those who didn't: Go stick your head in the mud.