Selected wit quotes

1. Wit is well-bred insolence.

2. Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

3. The distrust of wit is the beginning of tyranny.

4. Did you hear that? I didn't hear anything. Put that question another way.

5. The monuments of wit survive the monuments of power.

6. Writing, madam, is a mechanic part of wit. A gentleman should never go beyond a song or a billet.

7. A witty woman is a treasure; a witty beauty is a power.

8. The well of true wit is truth itself.

9. Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humour: he will always use it in evidence against you.

10. He who has provoked the lash of wit, cannot complain that he smarts from it.

11. If I could be reincarnated as a fabric, I would come back as a 38 double-D bra.

12. If evolution was worth its salt, it should've evolved something better than 'survival of the fittest.' I think a better idea would be 'survival of the wittiest.' At least, that way, creatures that didn't survive could've died laughing.

13. My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.

14. Wit makes its own welcome, and levels all distinctions. No dignity, no learning, no force of character, can make any stand against good wit.

15. Digression is the soul of wit. Take the philosophic asides away from Dante, Milton or Hamlet's father's ghost and what stays is dry bones.

16. Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

17. A good general rule is to state that the bouquet is better than the taste, and vice versa.

18. France was long a despotism tempered by epigrams.

19. The weak in courage is strong in cunning.

20. No mask like open truth to cover lies, As to go naked is the best disguise.

21. Less judgment than wit is more sail than ballast.

22. He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

23. Jesus is too colossal for the pen of phrasemongers, however artful. No man can dispose of Christianity with a bon mot.

24. Wit lies in recognizing the resemblance among things which differ and the difference between things which are alike.

25. I am not a politician, and my other habits are good, also.

26. What was life like in the colonies? Probably the best word to describe it would be 'colonial'.

27. It's not true I had nothing on. I had the radio on.

28. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

29. Yet a man may love a paradox, without losing either his wit or his honesty.

30. There are two things in ordinary conversation which ordinary people dislike - information and wit.

31. Talk of the 'imperial decay' of your invalid port. 'Its gracious withdrawal from perfection, keeping a hint of former majesty withal, as it hovers between oblivion and the divine Untergang of infinite recession.'

32. 'How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?'

33. 'I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.'

34. Farewell, woman! I intend Henceforth every night to sit With my lewd, well-natured friend, Drinking to engender wit.

35. 'Tis an old maxim in the schools, That flattery's the food of fools; Yet now and then your men of wit Will condescend to take a bit.

36. Humour is consistent with pathos, whilst wit is not.

37. After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

38. We have a pretty witty king, Whose word no man relies on; He never said a foolish thing, Nor ever did a wise one.

39. He looks like a female llama who has been surprised in the bath

40. Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds? Socialite: My goodness, Mr. Churchill... Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course... Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds? Socialite: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?! Churchill: Madam, we've already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.

41. She must have done it sliding down a barrister.

42. When she and Clare Boothe Luce were entering a room, Clare hung back, saying, 'Age before beauty'; Dorothy entered saying 'Pearls before swine.'

43. A witticism is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

44. Reporter: 'What do you call that hairstyle?' Harrison: 'Arthur.'

45. Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

46. [To Mrs. Claypool] That woman? You know why I was with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, that's why I'm sitting here with you - because you remind me of you!

47. I'm not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

48. I looked high and low for you. I didn't look low enough.

49. Look, I'm not going to engage in a battle of wits with you. I never attack anyone who is unarmed.

50. You have a ready wit. Let me know when it's ready.

51. One cannot be always laughing at a man without now and then stumbling on something witty.

52. Wit and wisdom are born with a man.

53. Barbara Walters: So, Kate, do you even own a skirt? Katharine Hepburn: I own one, Barbara. I shall wear it to your funeral.

54. Jestem za, a nawet przeciw.

55. A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.

56. I absolutely adored Mary. I was transfixed by her. She was so beautiful, so witty, so much fun to talk to.

57. As a wit, if not first, in the very first line.

58. And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

59. He expressed the opinion that the world was in a deplorable state. I said, 'Don't talk rot, old Tom Travers.' 'I am not accustomed to talk rot,' he said. 'Then, for a beginner,' I said, 'you do it dashed well.' And I think you will admit, boys and ladies and gentlemen, that that was telling him.'

60. 'Stinko, is he?' 'Not perhaps stinko, but certainly effervescent.'

61. I don't suppose she would recognize a deep, beautiful thought if you handed it to her on a skewer with tartar sauce.

62. The old notion that brevity is the essence of wit has succumbed to the modern idea that tedium is the essence of quality.

63. Jack has no more hair than an elbow. ~ Fred Allen

64. Pretty witty Nell.