'Waiters are like hookers, never around when you want them.'

'You know, I've got one of these wonderful ideas that women should all be dressed in white like all the other domestic appliances.'

'Tell her I'm now in the company of my wife, Slavica, who is much younger, better looking and wealthier than the Queen. Therefore, I'll stay with her.'

'The morning after I die. And the first 12 copies go to the Inland Revenue'