Son, you'll do well here as long as you remember two things. Don't over-eat and don't lose your accent.

Of course I didn't take my wife to see Rochdale as an anniversary present, it was her birthday. Would I have got married in the football season? Anyway, it was…

What can you do, playing against eleven goalposts?

If Everton were playing at the bottom of the garden, I'd pull the curtains.