I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security, and too tired for an affair.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

If a man watches three football games in a row he should be declared legally dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

People remain what they are even if their faces fall apart.

One does not get better but different and older and that is always a pleasure.

I'm just an old slag who gets up every morning, scratches his head and wonders what he wants to fuck.