If a man watches three football games in a row he should be declared legally dead.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security, and too tired for an affair.

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

A sportsman is a man who every now and then, simply has to get out and kill something.

'You give us the pitching some of these clubs have and no one could touch us, but God has a way of not arranging that, because it's not as much fun.'

There must be things in life that you can never master. Golf is one of them.