'Remember this advice... Never let your mom comb your hair when she's mad at your dad! (removes hat to display bald head)'

'People like crowds. The bigger the crowd, the more people show up. Small crowd, hardly anybody shows up.'

'They ought to make butt-flavored cat food.'

'I wish there was a knob on the TV so you could turn up the intelligence. They got one called 'brightness', but it don't work, does it?'