I often quote myself. I find it adds spice to the conversation.

I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig, you get dirty; and besides, the pig likes it.

If you have an apple and I have an apple, and we exchange apples, we both still only have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea, and we exchang…

I can forgive Alfred Nobel for inventing dynamite, but only a fiend in human form could have invented the Nobel Prize.

This is The Tonight Show. I can't tell you too much about it, other than the fact that this program is going to go on forever.

Jejunis nil scribo: meum post pocula si quis legerit, hic sapiet. Sed magis hic sapiet, si dormiet: et putet ista somnia missa sibi.

I read Hemingway's posthumous Paris memoirs, rumoured to have been written by his wife (`Out of the question,' Toni assured me, `they're so badly written they …