No. I'm not going to be your monkey.

You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you?

They said I wasn't being funny. And I said to them, 'I know that, but tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow.'

[To Tucker Carlson] How old are you? [Carlson:] Thirty-five. [Stewart:] And you wear a bow tie... So this is theater... Now, listen, I'm not suggesting that yo…

I'm not gonna tell people what they should and shouldn't take...unless they get too high and step on my toes - then I'll punch them in the face and they'll lea…

I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will, which I now exert to leave you.

You have to be careful who you let define your good.