'Well, if he's dead, I'm gonna have to act EXTRA sexy so I can get a new boyfriend. You can't doodle with a dead noodle, know what I'm sayin'? (Sees book cover.) Oh my GOD. That's what Shakespeare looked like? I'm not doing this.'

'Because I'm a blonde, I don't have to think I talk like a baby and I never pay for drinks I never have to worry about gettin' a man If I keep this blonde, and…

'Oh my goodness! I can see a bright white light, and I can hear my friends and relatives beckoning me into the afterlife. Wait, what's that...a Richard Marx vi…

'I decided to go visit the pet cemetery where my dead dog Buster was buried. My grandmother always used to say, 'When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.' Bu…

Hitler would go as white as a sheet and tightly clench his jaws, while his eyes would dilate. Everyone in his entourage would get panicky because these fits we…

Nothing irritates us [Fascists] so much as to be taken for pillars of order. Nothing so exasperates us as the people who come to us through fear of Communism. …

When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay!