As a rule, you see, I'm not lugged into Family Rows. On the occasions when Aunt is calling Aunt like mastodons bellowing across premieval swamps and Uncle James's letter about Cousin Mabel's peculiar behaviour is being shot round the familty circle ('Please read this carefully and send it on Jane') the clan has a tendency to ignore me. It's one of the advantages I get from being a bachelor - and, according to my nearest and dearest, practically a half-witted bachelor at that.

He was not a man who prattled readily, especially in a foreign tongue. He gave the impression that each word was excavated from his interior by some up-to-date…

It was my Uncle George who discovered that alcohol was a food well in advance of modern medical thought.

Love has had a lot of press-agenting from the oldest times; but there are higher, nobler things than love.

If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion.

Carl's all right. It's just like EastEnders really. He's still my kid.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'