The most ordinary thing like appearing on Clive James fills me with panic, I don't much enjoy being on television. I'd rather be sarcastic to myself. I'd rather do it for a few people socially, but it would be a bit rude to take up a collection after dinner.

Playing rugby at school I once fell on a loose ball and, through ignorance and fear, held on despite a fierce pummelling. After that it took me months to convi…

There's terrific merit in having no sense of humour, no sense of irony, practically no sense of anything at all. If you're born with these so-called defects yo…

My biggest regret in life is saving David Frost from drowning.

'I throw root vegetables at them.' - about the paparazzi

This is The Tonight Show. I can't tell you too much about it, other than the fact that this program is going to go on forever.

The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with either a dead girl or a live boy.