Woman: Do come along quick, there's a house on fire. Fire Chief: A house on fire? Just a moment, lady - what's the address? Woman: Grimshaw Street. Fire Chief: Grimshaw Street - Grimshaw ... now wait a minute, I know it as well as can be, and I just can't place it. Woman: Oh come along, it's only just round... Fire Chief: No, no, no - don't tell me, let me try and think of it for myself. Grimshaw St-... oh, isn't that annoying, I could walk straight to it, and I can't think of it.

He said 'I'll punch your head!' I said 'Whose?' He said 'Yours!' I said 'Mine?' He said 'Yes!' I said 'Oh?' He said 'Want a fight?' I said 'Who?' He said 'You!…

The day war broke out, my Missus said to me - she looked at me and she said, 'What good are you?'

'Well,' she said, 'All the young fellas'll be getting called up and you'll have to go back to work!' Ooh - she's got a cruel tongue!

I don't think there would be many jokes, if there weren't constant frustration and fear and so forth. It's a response to bad troubles like crime.

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they …