As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

The problem is, when Oprah lost all that weight, her head didn't get any smaller. And so she looks kind of like a person carrying a balloon.

I remember one day I was coming home from kindergarten I--well, I thought it was kindergarten, it turned out later I'd been working in a factory for two years.…

Woman: Do come along quick, there's a house on fire. Fire Chief: A house on fire? Just a moment, lady - what's the address? Woman: Grimshaw Street. Fire Chief:…

I wanted my wild things to be frightening. But why? It was probably at this point that I remembered how I detested my Brooklyn relatives as a small child. They…