Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth. ... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.

The American people are a very generous people and will forgive almost any weakness, with the possible exception of stupidity.

We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.

I have no Politics. I am for the Party that is out of Power, no matter which one it is. But I will give you my word that, in case of my appointment, I will not…