- Comedy, like sodomy, is an unnatural act.
- Sex is two plus two making five, rather than four. Sex is the X ingredient that you can't define, and it's that X ingredient between two people that make both a man and a woman good in bed. It's all relative. There are no rules.
- Hookers have to deliver on their promise... unlike politicians.
- I feel about Keaton the way an organist thinks of Bach.
- I carry Keaton's photo around with me to remind me what happened to him. If the Hollywood system can destroy him it can destroy me.
- When I quoted Bulwer Lytton's 'The pen is mightier than the sword' to Marty Feldman he added reflectively, 'Yes, and considerably easier to write with.'
- I won't eat anything that has intelligent life, but I'd gladly eat a network executive or a politician. 
- Money can't buy poverty.