Al Murray Quotes

Al Murray serves cheeky, witty commentary on rules, culture and audience banter.

34 quotes

1. And where would we be without rules, eh? That's right, France. And where would we be with too many rules? Germany.

2. (There are many variations of the 'where would we be...' joke, often following on from the Germany line) Where would we be with laws that involved us fighting animals? Spain.

3. Where would we be with laws that favoured cyclists? Holland

4. Wine or fruit-based drink for the ladies.

5. I respect the Germans, they tried twice.

6. The Euro isn't all bad, at least they left Wales off.

7. You see, the thing about xenophobia is, it's a Greek word.

8. I'd like to thank the Americans for their help in the War Against Terror, because if you hadn't funded the IRA for 30 years, we wouldn't know how to deal with terrorists, would we?

9. (to Australian audience members) Welcome back! Returning to the scene of the crime then?

10. We're in a country that doesn't allow children to drink alcohol, but they can be a pub landlord. (fakes crying) Beautiful.

11. Rugby, posh man's sport of course, fifteen men on a team, because posh people can afford to have more friends.

12. (addressing an audience member who has admitted to being a police officer) They say that ignorance leads to hatred but in this case, it's knowledge.

13. Great Britain traditionally has trouble with countries beginning with an I. Good rule of thumb. Iran, Iraq, Indonesia, India, it's over now of course, Italy, not a threat as such but ... dealt with, Ireland, we're playing the long game on that one obviously, Iceland, Cold War '74, 'itler's Germany.

14. We shouldn't insult the French of course, because they're not here to defend themselves. And we know how good they are at that!

15. Never forget it was the British Army's plan to collapse back to Dunkirk and fuck off home pronto. If you're not there the Germans can't beat you.

16. Where would we be if they supported us running away as soon as we saw the enemy? That's right, Italy!

17. (addressing the same audience member who admitted to being a police officer)The British police are the finest police in the world aren't ya? Yeah you are. No, you fuckin' are! Have some pride in yourself!

18. When a French man is in trouble, he doesn't do what you or I would do, does he? No, when a French man is in trouble, he does something very strange. He doesn't shout 'Help', the international word for 'Help', coming from the English word 'Help', meaning 'Help'...Used in times of stress requiring 'Help'.

19. Here's a word about fashion.. In every pack of foxhounds, chasing a fox, there's one dog, one hound at the back of the pack, with no sense of smell at all. He can't smell that fox, can he? He doesn't even know there is a fox. All he's doing is following assholes. And that, is all you need to know about fashion.

20. "The harder you work, the luckier you get" is true in all things.

21. We need a war every 10 years, so we can stay match fit in case the Germans try again.

22. Louis Pasteur, the great scientist, said "chance favours the prepared mind", which is a posh way of saying 'do your homework', but it's an excellent piece of advice.

23. Seriously, if you want to get inside the head of a stand-up comic, you could do a lot worse than reading Steve Martin's Born Standing Up, all about how he developed his career and his creativity as a comedian. Lots of what he talks about is relevant to anyone in the creative arts - you find yourself, your voice, your technique and then maybe luck calls.

24. I love playing. In lots of ways, I think having been able to carry on playing purely out of love rather than having to do it for a living means I still love the drums. It helps that, if I don't want to play, I don't really have to! I'm not the best drummer in the world, but it's something I love and enjoy, and that sounds like a good trade.

25. Actually, when you're doing something you love, even when you're busy and it's hectic you don't feel the need to relax. I never used to take holidays and it would upset ex-wives and girlfriends, but working has me in a better mood than doing nothing.

26. In the world of comedy, there's this: "If it's going badly, get off. If it's going well, get off". You can't argue with that either.

27. Things inspiring me - good melody, a great bass line, a fabulous voice... by which I mean someone who sounds great, rather than does pyrotechnics... and people playing really musically. Music is endlessly fascinating.

28. The American dream? We don't have a dream in Britain because we're bloody awake!

29. I read a lot. I spend of lot time thinking. It actually looks like I'm doing nothing, but... hanging out with clever and interesting people is a must if you're writing comedy, like hanging out with a good bass player when you're a drummer.

30. My mum had a cousin that had played when he was younger. When I showed an interest in drumming, he showed me how to mummy-daddy roll and that set me up for a bit. And to be honest, it's all about the sound, the noise, the rattle and hum. Who wouldn't want to make a fantastic noise with drums and cymbals?!

31. PimpCo is a little business I've got, which basically offers drummers the affordable opportunity to make their drums that little bit more bespoke. I love drums and love how they look, so we offer re-wrapping to reboot your old kit, a hardware lacquering service - the black looks amazing, and bespoke snare drums.

32. The thing that interests me far more than anything is creating music, songwriting and arranging, and in that context drumming itself is a means to an end. I think it's really easy to forget that - I'd sooner play something musical than flash, and as I can't play anything flash, I try to be musical. Drums can set a mood, create an impression, as much as anything else.

33. It's a weight problem isn't it; you can't wait for lunch.

34. Thanks to the internet, I buy lots of music, but thanks to my easily distracted nature, I forget about half of it!