The inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the manmade sound never equalled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig.

I have the perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it

I was an uncommonly unattractive young man.

I enjoy playing the audience like a piano.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

I occasionally play works by contemporary composers and for two reasons. First to discourage the composer from writing any more and secondly to remind myself h…

Never look at the Trombones, you'll only encourage them.