New Rule: Paula Abdul must go back on drugs. 'American Idol' will always have a place in my heart. It's where I met Clay. And what could be more exciting than televised karaoke? But everyone knows the show is most entertaining when Paula is thick-tongued and sleepy-eyed and poised on the brink of yelling, 'Who wants to do me?!'

New rule: If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that's one of those services that…

New Rule: Airplane black boxes must now be made out of Keith Richards. The man, who has taken more drugs than Whitney Houston, Rush Limbaugh and Robert Downey,…

On the third day, when they still hadn't done anything, uh, Fidel Castro - this is not a joke! - stepped forward to offer aid. Fidel Castro had to call a news …