New Rule: You can't send the National Guard to Iraq and then claim it's still here. The helicopters, the humvees, the men...like Dorothy and Toto, they're not in Kansas anymore. Sorry, Mr. President, but the last documented case of a National Guardsman able to be in two places at one time... was you.

New Rule: Airplane black boxes must now be made out of Keith Richards. The man, who has taken more drugs than Whitney Houston, Rush Limbaugh and Robert Downey,…

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.

New Rule: Paula Abdul must go back on drugs. 'American Idol' will always have a place in my heart. It's where I met Clay. And what could be more exciting than …