Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

The best way to learn Japanese is to be born as a Japanese baby, in Japan, raised by a Japanese family.

The problem is, when Oprah lost all that weight, her head didn't get any smaller. And so she looks kind of like a person carrying a balloon.

Denmark (also called 'Norway') is best known as the original home of the prune Danish as well as the Vikings, who wore hats with horns sticking out of them, an…

God this stuff isn't getting to me - the shootings, the knifings, the beatings. Old ladies being bashed in the head for their social security checks. Nah that …

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

You need to have the courage to say to your wife, get in there and make me some bean dip.