'Wonder why it is God didn't give us wheels. He must've known we get skates for Christmas.'

'I would like now to talk briefly about the Japanese, a race of very short people who are always bending in half. You can't make an honest business deal with t…

'Before the invention of the telephone, you had to lie to people to their face!'

'If it ain't sex, what is it gang? Beer beer beer beer beer beer beer! You ain't an American unless you're drinking a beer! All the time, dammit, any damn time…