'I used to annoy my brother when we were kids by pretending I had echolalia, which is a disease that causes people to repeat everything other people say. Smith: You're stupid. Me: You're stupid. Smith: Shut up! Me: Shut up! Smith: I'm a dumb uglyhead. Me: You're a dumb uglyhead.'

'It's never too late to start playing an instrument. I just bought a harmonica, maybe we could start a really horrible band. We'll play guitar/harmonica scream…

'You could be a hit man for the Scorpions; your job is to kill people and make me macaroni and cheese.'

'End of the world! They stopped making my Adidas! How crushing. I'm just going to wear Wonder Bread bags on my feet now.'

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom.

I remember one day I was coming home from kindergarten I--well, I thought it was kindergarten, it turned out later I'd been working in a factory for two years.…

And you realize you're an alcoholic when you repeat yourself. You realize you're an alcoholic when you repeat yourself. You realize you're an alcoholic...oh, d…