If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'You know what? We're all right. We're dang near royalty!'

Hell, when I was in high school, a 'drive-by shooting' meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car window!

The problem with the designated driver program is it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night…

Whatever cleaning goes on on the planet, women do 99% of it. But see, women are not as proud of their 99% as men are of our one! We clean something up, we're g…