The problem with the designated driver program is it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong damn house, preferably in their boss's front yard... But it's better than the system we used to use: 'Hey dude, get up! Give us a ride home, man! C'mon, whaddaya say? We'll buy ya a beer!'

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, …

[from a skit about airports] You know you're in trouble when at the control tower, there's a note taped to the door that says 'Back in five minutes.'

Hell, when I was in high school, a 'drive-by shooting' meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car window!