[from a skit about airports] You know you're in trouble when at the control tower, there's a note taped to the door that says 'Back in five minutes.'

The problem with the designated driver program is it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night…

On life's list of fun things to do, [visiting my in-laws] comes in somewhere below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, …