On life's list of fun things to do, [visiting my in-laws] comes in somewhere below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

[from a skit about airports] You know you're in trouble when at the control tower, there's a note taped to the door that says 'Back in five minutes.'

You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.

The problem with the designated driver program is it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night…