You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.

On life's list of fun things to do, [visiting my in-laws] comes in somewhere below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic -- bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta -- the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says 'Honk if you love Jesus…

[from a skit about airports] You know you're in trouble when at the control tower, there's a note taped to the door that says 'Back in five minutes.'