A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic -- bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta -- the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says 'Honk if you love Jesus'. I toot the horn a couple times, and the guy flipped me off.

You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.

(To his wife) You do not have testicular cancer. You don't even have 'testiculars'!

On life's list of fun things to do, [visiting my in-laws] comes in somewhere below sitting in a tub full of scissors.