(To his wife) You do not have testicular cancer. You don't even have 'testiculars'!

A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic -- bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta -- the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says 'Honk if you love Jesus…

If you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay, or married.

You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.