You can't put tits and ass on the marquee!...Why not?...Because it's dirty and vulgar, that's why not!... Titties are dirty and vulgar?...Okay, we'll compromise. How about Latin? Gluteus maximus, pectoralis majors nightly...That's alright, that's clean, class with ass, I'll buy it...Clean to you, schmuck, but dirty to the Latins!

I'm not a comedian. I'm Lenny Bruce.

Let me tell you the truth. The truth is, what is. And what should be is a fantasy, a terrible terrible lie that someone gave to the people long ago.

The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.

'Was the cow crossed?' 'No, your worship, it was an open cow.'

'You know I got a parrot, a bird, this fuckin bird says hi to me all the time. More than you're doing. Fuckin bird says, 'Hi there, sir, hello. Had a nice day?…

Mrs. Digby told me that when she lived in London with her sister, Mrs. Brooke, they were every now and then honoured by the visits of Dr. Johnson. He called on…