More from Mitch Hedberg

  1. My friend said to me, 'I think the weather's trippy.' I said, 'No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we p…
  2. I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
  3. I never joined the army because 'at ease' never seemed that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight, still. I do not relax by putting my arms …
  4. Popsicles are for the summertime...
  5. On a stop light green means go and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahe…
  6. When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. 'Try it …
  7. Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
  8. This is what my friend said to me; he said, 'Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes.' It's like,'Dude. you have to give me time to guess. If yo…

All Mitch Hedberg quotes