The simplest comment on my book came from my ballet teacher. She said, 'I wish you hadn't made every line funny. It's so depressing.'

I now know that if you describe things as better as they are, you are considered to be romantic; if you describe things as worse than they are, you are called …

The low dive had set a standard that only middle-aged hooligans could remember and to which they looked back as Mrs Lot at Sodom.

I became one of the stately homos of England.

I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, 'Fuck that, I…

Just down the road stood a little town, which I shall call Dullard lest the people recognize themselves and take me to court or come to my house and batter me …

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.