Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots.

Do not allow children to mix your martini. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth.

I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind.

Asthma doesn't seem to bother me any more unless I'm around cigars or dogs. The thing that would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar.

He said 'I'll punch your head!' I said 'Whose?' He said 'Yours!' I said 'Mine?' He said 'Yes!' I said 'Oh?' He said 'Want a fight?' I said 'Who?' He said 'You!…

Why don't you fold it five ways and put it where the moon don't shine! (in response to Norman Mailer's 'Why don't you just read the next question on your card …

Congratulations, you have a sense of humor. And to those who didn't: Go stick your head in the mud.