I don't think I'd believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my Lucky Astrology Mood Watch.

I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late eve…

You know, a lot of people come to me and they say, 'Steve, how can you be so fucking funny?' There's a secret to it, it's no big deal. Before I go out, I put a…

It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arb…

He founded a religion, of which the main tenets were transmigration of souls and the sinfulness of eating beans.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

At 13 you whack off 19 times a day anyway. Imagine being on a Viagra and like a liter of Mountain Dew and home alone with the VCR on a snow day from school. Hi…