I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening - or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early mid-afternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning. . . But never at dusk. Never at dusk.

It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arb…

I don't think I'd believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my Lucky Astrology Mood Watch.

Now let's repeat the non-conformists' oath: I promise to be different! (audience repeats) I promise to be unique! (audience repeats) I promise not to repeat th…

Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms.

'Suppose your Aunt Dahlia read in the paper one morning that you were going to be shot at sunrise.' 'I couldn't be, I'm never up so early.'

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'