Then there's the luge, for which I have only one question: What drunken, German gynecologist invented that sport? What guy said, 'You know what? I want to dress like a sperm, shove an ice skate in my ass, and go balls first down an ice chute. Ja, that would be fun!' And don't talk to me about the two-man luge, I'm like 'Boys, get a room!'

The nice Germans, they are the Swiss or as they like to say the other white race. Now how butch is an army who has a wine opener on its knife? How tough are th…

It was so reassuring the other day, George W. Bush talked to the stock market, and then...*makes explosion noise*. I don't know, it must be that Dubya talking …

They're patting down a five year old kid 'What are you doing? You're not a priest, let go of me.'

We're going to try to make it better for everybody, period, end of subject. And if you don't realize that, then don't come. We don't want you at the rink, we d…

What the hell has Hoover got to do with it? Besides, I had a better year than he did.

'Why do people sing Take Me Out to The Ballgame when they're already there?'